I Changed my Name
by BitterSweet3
Summary: Cause you know I played it all in here/Where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears/And I threw my whole night down the drain/Cuz everyone says that I'm not the same/Since I changed my name'


[Changed My Name]
    [Bittersweet]
    Hey, I was listening to this song by 'Sugarcult' and I thought, wow! So, haha, I'm the loser who wrote a story about it. I use these thngs for my journal entires in school too, so… it's all good :o)
    Ok man, I'm tired… It's late and I think I want to go shower or something. Go read 'It Hurts to Look at You' because that's really good and FUNNY! This is real… angsty. BYE!
    _
    i couldn't sleep last night
    my ears were ringing in my head
    best friends with the boogieman
    i may be better off here dead
    running on empty once again
    too tired for tears i dread
    sink deep into those magic dreams
    while i blast off in my bed
    _Jack lay in bed; the familiar sound of snores surrounding his milieu kept him awake on this cold winter night. He stared at the ceiling, counting the dots that lay in no particular order above his bed, but he couldn't sleep. He could only ask himself questions, he could only hold on to his memories.
    His stomach growled as he thought about tonight. He thought about how he had had the chance to escape, to go to Santa Fe, but hadn't. He lay his hand on his stomach and tried to imagine the wonderful dinner he could have eaten if he had sold that day rather then spending the day with yet another girl. The splendor of his hand against his body was warm and satisfying as he felt an instant of warmth sprout to his fingertips and toes.
    He felt like crying he felt like dying, but he couldn't. He couldn't bring himself to cry in front of the other boys. He couldn't bear the thought that they might hear his late-night weeps. Now that he was at his weakest point, he couldn't let them hear him in such a frenzy. He wondered if anyone else was awake, and if they were… would they care that he was still awake? Would they care that he was still alive? He was their fearless leader with a heart of gold. He was Jack Kelly; or was he?
    _and you know i played it all in here
    where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
    and i threw my whole night down the drain
    you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
    since i changed my name
    _He wasn't Jack Kelly anymore, not since that fateful day in court that Warden Snyder had announced his true identity. Everything he worked for when he moved to New York City was down the drain, his fresh start was completely ruined and so was his life.
     He had been known as Jack Kelly; fearless leader for such a long time, now what was he? He was Francis Sullivan; scared little boy. His friends didn't even look at him like he was the same anymore. They saw right through him, like he was nothing but thin air. With every breath he took he knew he had lied to them all and knew that it was going to take time to gain their trust back.
    He thought about how he wasted yet another night with yet another girl. He knew that he was trying to fill an empty part of his soul, an empty part of his heart, but he also knew that these girls with names like 'Candy' and 'CoCo' weren't doing anything but making this void grow larger.
    He turned onto his side, lying on both of his hands to keep them warm as he curled up into a ball. He looked at his friends all sleeping tightly in their beds, their eyes closed and their thoughts in different dimensions. He looked down at Mush and stared at him. He wondered if Mush was as happy as he was pretending. He saw the smile spread across the boy's face and wondered if he was happy in his dreams, or if they were just like his life.
    _
    three hours later and i'm staring at the ceiling still
    xanax does nothing more but calm the sleeping thrill
    turning the pillows round and round to find the cold spot for my head
    ah, bless my only friend
    _Still staring at the ceiling, he wondered when this night was going to be over. When his dreams would start and his day would end. He thought about the possibilities that lay ahead for tomorrow. That tomorrow the boys might forgive him, they might accept him as who he was now. They might look at him in a new light; maybe they'd get to know Francis Sullivan.
    He hugged his pillows, trying to grasp what warmth he could from them. He tried to keep his head in one spot as to heat it up, but he could hardly stay still. He felt his body twitching and he could almost feel the warmth of the blood running through his icy skin. He turned around, lying on his stomach and setting his head facedown into the pillow and tried his hardest not to cry, not to be vulnerable to his tears. It occurred to him that his pillow would listen to him, his pillow would be there to hold him. Then he thought about how sad that was and began to soak the pillow almost all the way through. Quiet gentle sobs that were obfuscated by his feathered pillow.
    _
    and you know i played it all in here
    where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
    and i threw my whole night down the drain
    you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
    and everyone turns tricks for fickle fame
    _He knew that his darkest fears had been exposed that day. He knew that having his true name called out amongst a room full of people he loved was the absolute worst possible thing that anyone could have done to him. Jack Kelly had been his costume for so long, it had been his uniform, and now that he had lost that he felt naked and alone.
    He knew that fame had its perks but thought about how it hadn't been very kind to him. At the peek of his popularity he had faced his worst nightmare and had been sentenced with a fate worse than death; he was friendless. Maybe what is even more important than that was the fact that he was nameless as well. He wasn't Francis Sullivan anymore; he wasn't Jack Kelly either. He was Cowboy, he was free like the wind, and no one had to tell him where to go or what to do. But unlike a true cowboy, he wasn't expecting a happy ending. He wasn't expecting his dream girl to walk into his life, nor was he expecting to ride off with her into the sunset. Everything he knew was wrong, everyone he loved shut him out and he didn't even know who he was anymore.
    _
    i feel my body's lost control
    my knees give way as i drift away
    and it gets darker, darker
    dreaming's where i am
    _He realized that it was almost dawn. He peered out the window just to see the sun rising over the tops of the buildings and promised himself that someday he would get his happy ending, walking into his sunset. The realized what an obdurate young man he was, hardened by all of the wrongdoing and wickedness in his life. The mundane room was covered in dust and dirt and he could almost taste it in his mouth. He didn't blame himself for being morose, after all he had lost everything, but a big part of him just couldn't let go. He would not be moribund; he would rebound and live a long and prosperous life.
    He felt himself becoming drowsy and he felt his body go limp and relaxed. He realized that he could turn everything around. He could be a new person without a new name, but it would just take a lot of heart and soul. He felt the warmth of his friend the pillow, and said goodbye to Jack Kelly. He took a deep breath in and said hello to Francis Sullivan.
    _
    **
    and you know i played it all in here
    where everyone hides their darkest shades of fears
    and i threw my whole night down the drain
    you know cause everyone says that i'm not the same
    since i changed my name**_


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